My thoughts on the big game...

The big game was kind of lame. Well, the game action was all right, but the show around the game was kind of lame.

Last year, there was so much feigned shock and awe from the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction incident that broadcasters over the past year have been forced to comply to new decency standards. Because of this, the commercials and show around the game were mostly lame.

The beginning pregame show had a few artists like Charlie Daniels, the Black-Eyed Peas and someone else I don't remember. Then, they carted out Alicia Keys and a bunch of blind and deaf kids. Now if it wasn't so ridiculous and forced, it might have come off as touching. To me, it was pretty laughable. Maybe I'm a heartless bastard, but all I could think of when Alicia Keys was singing America the Beautiful with the kids signing along was the scene in Napoleon Dynamite where Napoleon was signing along to The Rose in class with a few other girls.

They also had these poor blind kids singing along because some of them were looking in the wrong direction, which is understandable given the amount of blind kids they had out there.

I kept thinking to myself that the execs must have been sweating to get the pretty people back on screen again because you knew that at tons of game parties, that was probably the time when viewers chose to surf or refresh their drinks.

Don't get me wrong, it's all nice and touching, but this is football, the toughest game on Earth. Guys want to see someone hit someone else, fart jokes or pretty people to look at. That was lacking a lot this year.

Then there was an extended tribute to the greatest generation with the national anthem. You know that generation that selflessly volunteered without a draft by the millions to do the right thing? That generation. Kind of ironic that most of the nation was watching with a military overseas that is dangerously stretched thin. Could have been a nice plea for people to sign up, but that's another story.

The game started and then the commercials started. Last year, there were many erectial disfunction commercials. This year, there was a rather tame one from Cialis. No biggie. I can live without seeing mental images of unattractive older people getting it on.

Last year we had farting horses. This year, we had a farting Monkey with a barely audible fart. I'm not saying it all has to be fart jokes, but controversial humor has been a staple in the past and why I even watched the commercials.

In years past, you had hot women. This year, there were nary a hot woman in sight save for the GoDaddy.com commercial, which I watched with the sound down (I had the game running through headphones so my daughter could watch her Disney movie). With the sound down, it looked rather stupid. I can only imagine what it was like with the sound up.

The halftime show was easy to skip since it was all Paul McCartney, who I could care less about seeing.

Save for a couple of funny Bud Light ads, this year's bowl tried to go back to days of more innocent times, but I think it only frustrates viewers who are used to seeing a regular football game. Next year, are they going to require the cheerleaders to wear the think sweaters and poodle skirts of the past? Will we be overwhelmed by commercials that show the nuclear family where Dad works and Mom stays at home? Maybe we should ban the female reporters on the sidelines?

Next year, I think they should run two feeds of the Super Bowl. One on cable and one on the network. Run different commercials on the other network and give the guys the game they were used to. Let's be real here. Ann Coulter can complain all she wants about not enjoying the commercials "because she has a brain", but the game wasn't made for the critics, it was made for the fans of the game.

Maybe the family friendly feed could have the sportscasters stroking kittens in their laps while they’re talking onscreen. The pregame and halftime shows could have various shots of clowns and mimes walking around the field. All female performers could be required to have shirts that buttoned all the way up to their neck and shirts that went all the way down to their ankles. The Best Damned Sports Show Period, which changed it’s name to the Best Darned Sports Show Period could be changed again to the Best Dadgum Sports Show Period. Camera shots of the field could be sponsored by Ovaltine. The chain gang crew could be run by a group of handicapped people in wheel chairs. Gatorade could be banned with just old fashioned lemonade served by Aunt Bea, who would also serve apple pie to the players that were hungry during the game. All players could be required to hug each other after a tackle to show kids at home that these guys can be friends between plays. Not to shock the elderly with loud crowd noise, the tension of the game could be toned down by the noise hushed with calming music like Theme From a Summer Place playing in the background. Finally, Zuzu Petals will gleefully say, “Look Daddy! Every time a referee a blows a whistle, a kicker gets his wings.”

Think about it. We could make it the ultimate family friendly event. That diet Pepsi commercial with one of the Queer Eye guys was too controversial. No suggestions of any kind to sex. More commercials for wholesome family entertainment are in order.