Not-so-frequently asked questions...

Q: Was this how you intended your blog to be?

A: Somewhat. I had originally thought that I would be writing some cutting edge humor pieces seeing as I love cutting edge humor like Mr. Show, Family Guy, David Cross, etc. Unfortunately, I don't have the spine to back it up and I have a lot of shame. I'd love to be all crass and controversial, but I'm not that crass and controversial in real life, so I guess my persona online is the same. And another thing, many people at my old job and now my new job know about my blog. I told a few people, who then told other people. So now I'm censoring myself from being crass because I love my job (and the money that goes with it) and don't want to lose it. Bill once complained that he would publish something on my blog, but that it probably wasn't the right audience since he was going to do a write up on all of the porn junk emails he gets. He's probably right on that one.


Q: Why don't you post more?

A: I'm a huge slacker and it takes me to get a hair up my ass to do anything that no one is paying me for. If I was getting money for this, I'd be updating this all day long. Also, I commute a lot and time is precious for me. I hope to write more once I move up to Omaha. Oh and getting a newer and faster computer would be nice, too.


Q: Would you like comments?

A: Even if you tell me that I suck, please comment on my stuff. I want feedback, but mostly positive feedback if that's possible. Actually, I have really sensitive feelings so a negative comment will most likely ruin my day.


Q: Are all of these stories true?

A: Unless I mention it specifically, absolutely.


Q: Is Bill really that much of a hot-headed bastard?

A: It's probably a combination of him being a hot head and me egging him on. I can be a hot head, too.


Q: What does your wife think of this blog?

A: She doesn't. I guilted her into reading it once. She said it was kind of amusing, but felt that I took too long to get to a punchline. Keep in mind, she doesn't think I'm funny and equates being married to me living with a 14-year-old as I'm constantly slinging double entendres her way and cracking jokes. She mainly tunes it out...


Q: Is there anything that you won't write about?

A: I haven't even broached the subject of my in-laws. I don't know why. For one thing, they have no idea that I have a blog. For another thing, my wife never reads this blog, so how would she know?

I'm just afraid that she'll kill me if I do. That's the main reason.


Q: Did you read my story yet?

A: No, Bill. I haven't. Working on it right now.

Created a new link section...

Since they seem to be a lot of people's favorites, say someone named 'Bill', I've added a section linking almost every story about Bill. To my surprise, I don't have as many as I'd like. However, I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it considering that I've only had this blog online for about 8 months (but not a full 8 months). Besides, a lot of the conversations that I have with Bill usually go this way:

"Did you see (some show?)"

If Yes:

"Remember the part when (something funny happened)?

If Yes, this is followed up by an anecdote from the show, which usually involves a couple of memorized lines followed by one of us laughing.

I really love this commercial...

I really love this commercial that I saw on Fox News the other day. I've only seen it once and I only saw it with the sound down (we mute the TV while Julia watches her little TV), but I died laughing when I saw it.

The scene is outdoors. You see a hot 30-ish blond woman sitting with a much older gentleman that is obviously in his late 50s or early 60s. They're sitting outside at a wooden table with green, lush trees in the background. They're smiling and drinking mixed drinks and appear to be having a nice conversation. At this point, the words "VIAGRA" appear as part of the text onscreen.

I do a double take and pay more attention.

The man suddenly starts blink rapidly and rubs his eyes.

The screen shifts to a blurry image of the hot woman sitting with the old guy.

She grabs his arm and I'm assuming mutters something like "What's wrong?"

Text on the screen are for the services of a lawyer/law firm for an upcoming class action suit about Viagra causing men to lose their vision.

I'm dying of laughter at this point. How classic is that? They're obviously going after their chief demographic, horny, old men that has obviously married a trophy wife, but need the Viagra for help in that area. Either that or they're assuming that this could only be the only reason men use Viagra, which can't be true. Still I find it funny they jumped to that conclusion...

I'm a smart ass today...

Today, I've been in smart ass overdrive. I don't know why. I just can't help myself.

I was telling a co-worker about the Hurrican Katrina damage in Louisiana. You see, she's been a little pre-occupied with moving, so she hasn't had cable tv until now. Also, she doesn't read newspapers, so she's been in a little bit of a news limbo.

I got to the part about dead bodies everywhere that are floating in the streets.

Her question: "How did they die?"

My response: "I'm guessing they drowned."

To be fair, I did mention that some died from buildings collapsing, disease and other causes.

Later, I'm getting boxes for my move to Omaha coming up at the end of this month. I'm carry the boxes out to our commuter bus. A guy helps me put them under the bus in one of the storage hatches.

He sees me coming and says, "Someone's moving!"

I get closer and set the boxes down.

He asks, "Are you moving?"

I say, "No. I'm just adding to my collection of office supply boxes."