Bill and I have a healthy relationship built on mutual mockery and respect...

I honestly was just thinking of a topic to write for this week when I got an unexpected phone call. I swear that I was thinking of writing about me quitting my job, selling the house, trying to find a new one, my Phantom Menace diatribe that I was thinking about finishing, or the fact that I am very accident prone as evidenced by me almost cutting off the tip of my index finger with scissors this morning when I got the phone call.

"Hello?"

"You are a F&*(ing jerk!!!" (It was Bill)

"What?"

"You heard me. You're a f&*(ing jerk!!"

"What did I do?"

"What did you DO?! What did you DO?! You posted two stories about me that weren't exactly fair."

Oh, that's what I did. I did post a story in which I purposely messed with Bill. I was debating on whether or not to run with it, but Laura and Joe thought it was hilarious so I ran with it. Bill, on the other hand, thought that it was rather misleading, unfair and one-sided.

My Mom likes my writing, but she usually comments about the Bill stories.

"Why are you guys always fighting?"

My wife said when I told her this, "Has your mother ever heard you two talk before?"

Maybe we're civil when we're around our parents or maybe some people just tune it out, but yes, we tend to argue a lot. It's not that we don't like each other. We do. He's my twin brother and I wouldn't change any of our growing up experiences for the world. I truly feel blessed to have had Bill as a twin. He was always around and was a constant companion. On the other hand, when you have a twin, it is somewhat like a marriage. You're the same type of person, but not exactly the same type of person. You get to know someone really well, but then you know that person too well, so little things that this person does tend to get on your nerves, so you call them on it.

Now a normal person would probably tell you to go to hell and you'd never see them again. Not a twin. I believe most twins would tell you that criticism and arguments tend to roll off you and are not held as grudges for very long. My wife always marveled that one minute we'd be yelling at each other and the next minute we'd be going, "Hey, remember on the Simpsons when..."

So as twins we tend to argue a lot probably because we can argue and not hold a grudge. Just this Saturday, I was calling Bill to see if he had a tarp to cover a load I was taking to the dump (I had borrowed Joe's pickup) because all loads that go to the dump have to be covered or you get fined.

He said that he did and asked me if I could also dump off a grill that he melted when the fuel line burst and set fire to the knobs. I said, "Sure."

I asked him if he had any bungees to strap down the tarp.

"No, I don't have any bungees."

"No bungees? OK. What about that strap ratchet set you had with your truck?"

"No, I don't have that anymore. I gave that to the guy that bought my truck."

"Oh, well then do you have any rope?"

"Oh yeah. I have rope."

"Then why didn't you mention it in the first place since I was asking about tying down the tarp?"

"Because you didn't ask if I had rope."

Damn him! Caught me with a technicality.

He eventually asked me if I was going to stop by to pick up the grill, the tarp and the rope soon. I told him that I wasn't sure. He said that he would be leaving around 11:30 to go to a golf tournament. I told him that I'd keep that in mind, but I wasn't sure how long it was going to take me to load the truck.

"Make sure that you stop by my house before you go to the dump so you get that grill, OK?"

"Bill, didn't I mention that I needed to cover the load?"

"Yes."

"Then why in the hell would I come over your house AFTER I went to the dump? If I need the stupid tarp to cover the load, wouldn't it make sense that I would have to stop by your house sometime BEFORE I went to the dump?"

He chuckled a bit and said, "I guess that would make sense."

I get off the phone and Laura is waking up.

"Were you just talking to Bill?"

She knows our conversations so well.

Sometimes in our conversations, we offer helpful information. For example, today I was telling Bill about some strange circumstances with Joe's borrowed truck. I had put some little boy clothes into the cab of the truck to give back to Joe's wife, Jackie, who had borrowed them from a neighbor when Julia, who Jackie was watching at the time, had wet herself.

I pull up to the house this afternoon to find the clothes I had put in the cab by our mailbox near the sidewalk. I pick them up and put them back in the cab of the truck and lock the doors. I come back later and find that someone had tried opening the door because the door was slightly ajar, but not open. This made me feel a little paranoid about why someone would steal little kid's clothes, why they would bring them back and whether or not any cars I park are vulnerable.

I tell Bill this and jokingly say something about a pedophile nearby that stole them and returned them, which got me on another tangent.

"Hey, that reminds me," I say. "You need to check out the Nebraska listing of sex offenders because you have quite a few in your area." (Bill has a 18-month old at home)

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, you have two of them that live on the same floor of (that apartment complex two four blocks away from his actual address). You know the one by the gas station?"

"Well, that's good to hear. As if I didn't have enough to worry about in my area, now you've given me more to worry about. Thanks for that."

"Just trying to help."

So, it's not all arguing. Sometimes, they're conversations centered around pointing out insecurities.

I run with the Bill stories because they seem to be the favorite stories, but also, they are pretty easy to write. I can usually remember what Bill has said and add my own flair for good measure. It's a subject that I know well. Writing about them allows me to chuckle at them and helps me remember the ridiculous conversations that we have. Bill often complains that my stories are one-sided, but that's to be expected. After all, I am the one writing them, so of course I'll end up looking better.

Whenever I tell my wife about the latest story, she'll say, "You guys have such a healthy relationship."

It is a healthy relationship. You can be pissed at the person, but the unconditional love that comes with being a twin is hard to break.