Cartooning under the influence

It has long been my belief that those who create cartoons or kid shows do so under the influence of alcohol, drugs or both. All you have to do is look at some of the old and current shows to see evidence of this. Scooby Doo is an obvious example. You have four young adults driving around in a wildly-colored van called "The Mystery Machine," which is a little pompous of anyone owning a van. They drive around with a dog that can talk to them named Scooby. One of the characters, Shaggy, dresses in bell bottoms, looks like he hasn't bathed in weeks and considers Scooby his best friend. Both of them are always hungry as if they have munchies. They always are the ones that see the 'ghosts' first. No one believes them, of course, and hilarity ensues when pretty soon everyone is seeing the 'ghosts' that always turn out to be fake.

Spongebob Squarepants is another one. It's about a walking and talking sponge named 'Spongebob', who lives in the shell of a pineapple next to his neighbor, a squid, that lives in an Easter island head. Spongebob's best friend is a walking and talking starfish named Patrick that lives under a rock. He works at a restaurant called the Krusty Krab, which serves up the Krabby Patty, a hamburger-like thing complete with a bun, ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomato. Curiously enough, they also have electricity, televisions and computers under water.

When Julia was younger, she got hooked on a show called Dora the Explorer. The show centers around the adventures of a little girl named Dora. Dora travels around to various places to help animals get home, run errands, getting to parties, etc. She wears a backpack with everything she needs in it and has a talking monkey that wears boots and nothing else, who is named Boots.



Dora gets whatever she needs from her backpack because it's a thinking and talking backpack that happens to have everything you could ever need. Unfortunately for us, Dora can't just take off her backpack and rummage through it. You have to call the backpack and decide what to choose that's best for the job.

Then there is Dora's map. In the backpack, she has a talking map called 'Map'. Like the backpack, Dora cannot just look at the map, she has to have you call 'Map'. The Map then starts singing about how much of a map he is, so you have to wait for him to finish. Once done singing, he starts to give you directions to where Dora needs to go. He repeats it several times so you don't forget. Then you have to tell Dora where to go. Seeing as how Dora is usually trying to get somewhere on time to rescue somebody or something, she certainly puts a lot of trust in the young viewer to tell her where to go. What if you weren't quite paying attention? Then you'd really get her lost. Thankfully, she already knows what you're going to say and repeats what she thought you'd say anyway.

The map's directions are interesting in that it only takes 3 steps to get anywhere on the map. His directions usually go something like this: "To get to the (random thing), go over the (random thing), around the (random thing) and under the (random thing) to get to the (random thing). Who knew that you could get anywhere in the world in just three steps? Dora not only made it to the North Pole to help Santa Claus in three steps, but she has also made it to the South Pole to help a baby penguin in three steps. You can substitute any prepositions into the plot line that runs like the writers were playing Mad Libs. "Let's see. Today, Dora has to go up the chocolate stalks, around the weeping mice and down the screaming slide to get to the monkey fiesta. Sound good?"

After that, Dora and Boots start singing the song with the directions in it like this: "Chocolate stalks. Weeping mice. Screaming Slide. Chocolate stalks. Weeping mice. Screaming slide. Where are we going? To the monkey fiesta. Where are we going? To the monkey fiesta."

Along the way, Dora constantly needs your help. She rounds the corner somewhere and asks you if you've seen the random thing that she's looking for. She'll ask, "Do you see the (random thing)? (pause) Where? (pause)" At this point, any older kid will be screaming "It's right freaking behind you!!!, but then the screen clicks with a pointer showing the right object.

To make that worse, Dora is also constantly stalked by a fox with a mask by the name of Swiper. Swiper "swipes" their stuff, but instead of stealing it like any good thief might, Swiper just throws the object that they need into some bushes or into a group of trees. It's then up to you, the viewer (of course), to tell Dora where all the objects are. And if those objects happen to be parts of the road or something they're traveling on, it's also up to you to tell her where the pieces fit.

On an aside here, some of the evildoers in some of the episodes comment about how smart Dora is, but I argue that she's getting plenty of f&*^ing help from her viewers. I've often remarked that "For a smart girl, you sure are helping her a lot."

Also along the way, Dora encounters some of her friends, which include no humans, save for her grandma, parents or cousin Diego. Her friends include a bull, an iguana, a bird and others. I don't know what they put in the water where she lives, but it seems to be passed along family lines. Her grandmother has admitted to talking to a tree made of chocolate when she was a little girl. Dora's grandmother has also given her a star pocket for Dora's backpack that allows her to catch talking stars.

I suppose I could forgive Dora's parents for allowing their very young daughter to explore the wilderness while giant talking animals try to hurt her or her progress. Or that she's allowed to travel long distances without a guardian. But to allow their child to experiment with hallucinogens? I'm not sure I can forgive that.

I'd love to see the team from social services coming to visit.

SS: "Where's you daughter, Dora?"

Dora's Parents: "She's going to her Grandmother's house with her best friend, Boots."

SS: "Is 'Boots' a nickname?"

DP: "No, that's his name."

SS: "Oh, well do you have a description of Boots in case we find them?"

DP: "Boots is about 3 feet tall. He's gray colored and wears red boots."

SS: "What else was he wearing?"

DP: "Nothing. He just wears boots."

SS: "Okay... He just wears boots... and has gray skin?"

DP: "Yes, he is a monkey you know."

SS: "Uhh huh... I see. So what was she going to do at her Grandmother's instead of going to school today?"

DP: "She's going to pick chocolate leaves from the chocolate tree that her Grandmother used to talk to when she was a kid."

SS: "Oh really? (squelch on radio). Send back up..."

Julia used to love Dora the Explorer. Once it was introduced as a cartoon to watch (not by me) there was no turning back. She insisted that she watch it. Even when she couldn't really talk that well as a toddler, she would point at the television and cry, "Do watch? Do watch? Dor! Dor!"

More recently, Julia has suddenly professed her distaste for Dora the Explorer. One day, she said this when Dora the Explorer came on, "Uggh! Dora? Can you turn it please?" Then it moved on to "Uggghh! I hate that show!"

More recently, she said this when Dora started after her other show ended, "Dad? What about the Dora problem?"

"What problem?" I asked.

"Dora's on. That's a problem."

I can see how some shows just have a natural age limit that repels any viewer above a certain age. I'm not sad to see her lose her Dora fixation. On the other hand, it's a lot more tolerable than the spin off show called, 'Go, Diego. Go!' in which Dora's cousin, who can talk to animals, goes around by himself in the jungles to rescue wild animals. He also has a talking camera and a talking backpack that doesn't just have anything, he can turn into anything. Curiously enough, he never turns into something that could get Diego there a lot faster, like a helicopter.