The Sheriff of Yrnameer by Michael Rubens

This book released last year is one that I was sure that I'd love. As a fantasy geek growing up, I gravitated towards the books that were slightly humorous. Those were in fairly short supply, but there were a few here and there.

I never really got into the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, though. My brother, Bill, bought the second book, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, because of the title and while it was funny, because we hadn't read the first book, we were kind of lost.

Years later, I've listened to the first three books of the series and I really enjoyed them. They were funny, witty and thought-provoking.

It's inevitable that people will compare The Sheriff of Yrnameer to the Hitchhikers' series.

It's set in a futuristic space where oddball alien characters exist around every corner. Where jaywalking will get you a lecture, a quiz and then a ticket. Where kicking up dust will produce an advertisement. Where computers that gain awareness are deprogrammed if they answer wrong to the question: "Do you like humans?" until one computer finally answers "Yes".

The book involves the exploits of Cole, a poor criminal, who is trying to get out of town to avoid his brain becoming a bounty hunter's incubator for the hunter's alien spawn. Along the way, he has to overcome getting beaten up multiple times, losing his girlfriend, stealing a very famous ship, outrunning the bounty hunter, avoiding zombies and someone becoming the sheriff of Yrnameer, the last untouched planet in the galaxy.

I thought it was a very well done audio book, too. The narrator does a fine job with the various voices. Plus, there are vocal effects galore to simulate the many song jingles, radio voices and various alien sounds in the book.

Converting Star Wars for my WD Media Player

I'm converting my three Star Wars movies to put on my Western Digital Media Player, which is an awesome little box that we watch every day. It has a lot of our favorite movies and shows on it already, but I have to redo a lot of them because my first attempts with a different program were mediocre.

Currently, I'm converting Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I'm going to name them Star Wars 1 - A New Hope, Star Wars 2 - Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars 3 - Return of the Jedi.

"But Bob!", you might say, "Star Wars 1-3 are for the prequels!"

To that I say, "Feh! When I saw them they were 1 through 3. Why should I have to change because the suckfests called the prequels showed up to tear out my heart and stomp all over it? They can be 0.1 through 0.3 for all I care."

I buy the Guitar World Hero band kit from a stoner

Julia got the game Band Hero for Christmas, which is basically the Rock Band/Guitar Hero experience with pop songs. It includes several of Julia's favorite songs. She had originally asked for a karaoke machine, but I didn't feel like those were very economical. This game does have a karaoke mode, so that takes care of that. I also wanted something I could play along to with Julia.

The Band Hero kit with the microphone, guitar, drum kit and game costs a whopping 199 bucks at most stores. I wasn't really ready to part with that money. I had noticed that the Best Buy in Grand Island was selling the Guitar Hero World Tour band kit for 100 bucks when I was there. That would be great to get because it includes all the instruments that you'd need, plus you'd get a game with rock songs to go along with the new pop songs on the Band Hero disc (once I bought it).

I'll often check Craig's List to see who out there is willing to part with their goods for a song. I'm pretty lucky at finding those things. We had our 20 inch Insignia TV start to go on the fritz in that it was showing a green tint over the screen off and on while we tried to watch it. It was getting a little annoying, so I did a search on Craig's List and found a guy who was selling his 2004 Phillips 20 inch TV for just 40 dollars. It works great.

I thought that I might have some more good luck again. I searched for Guitar Hero World Tour. I saw a listing that didn't make much sense. A guy was selling the game and the instruments for only 60 dollars. I emailed that I was interested and within a few minutes, I got a reply. The guy, or Seller as I'm calling him, gave me his number to talk it over.

I dialed the number, which started to ring with one of those Ringback tones that plays you a song while the party you're calling is getting to the phone. His Ringback tone was "Poison" by Alice Cooper.

He said that they had got it the Friday before Thanksgiving for 100 dollars, but they didn't really play it so he decided to get rid of it. That seemed a little fishy. To cut in here... I bought the game from Seller the last week of November...

I agreed that I would probably buy it. I told him, "I'm going to leave work a little after 4 p.m. I should be there at 4:20."

At this point, Seller laughed. I didn't realize then why he thought that was funny. He had said that he'd be around all day, but was that too late? Did he think that it was funny I mentioned such a specific time? It was only later, when I was exercising that I groaned at the realization at what was so funny. For those ignorant on drug lingo, 4:20 is supposed to be the perfect time to get stoned. I'm not sure why and I have no idea if it's true. The stoner's new year is celebrated on April 20th. It's kind of stupid, but hey, to each their own.

Seller lived over in Council Bluffs, Iowa, which a lot of us refer to as Council Tucky because it's kind of a dump over there. So when Seller told me that he lived in Council Bluffs, I joked to my co-worker that if I didn't come back that the address I was heading to was on my notepad on my desk. He laughed.

Note to Council Bluffs people: I'm not saying you all are hicks. My aunt lives there, but let's be honest. There's a portion of the town that looks like it was populated by people hanging around a bus station that happened to be located next to the homeless shelter. You know what I'm talking about.

So anyway, Seller told me directions and mentioned how there's all this "crazy" construction going on by his house, so he told me to turn at a certain street. I trusted that Map Quest would steer me in the right direction, so I looked at those directions instead. Turns out that Seller was right and Map Quest was wrong. There WAS some crazy construction going on. So crazy that I ended up driving several blocks past his turn trying to find a way around the construction. It was as if the city planners thought it was a genius idea to just cut a neighborhood in the middle with a blocked street so that people on the west or east sides of it couldn't get across unless you went around a 2 mile detour.

I ended up driving over a bridge and after calling Seller again with his "Poison" ringback tone to entertain me while I waited for him to answer, he told me the correct street again.

I pulled up to his house. What awaited me didn't really surprise me. He looked like Jesus, if Jesus was a stoner with a hoody. He had thin, long black hair that went past his shoulders and a short beard.

Seller said, "Hi' to me and I followed him inside. We walked through the closed porch. Before he opened the door to the porch, he said, "Don't mind the mess."

And by a mess, he meant an absolute shithole. The porch was cluttered with papers, boxes and assorted items that all looked like they should be put in their proper place: the trash can.

I walked inside to find a house that wasn't that different from the porch. The front door opened to the kitchen and every single square foot of the kitchen counter was covered with opened boxes, closed boxes, bananas, containers, appliances, measuring cups, clean dishes and dirty dishes.

It looked like he had a wife and kid as they were standing in the living room.

Seller opened a door for me and said, "Down here."

He urged me to go first so that he could close the door behind me. I assumed to keep his dog out.

As I walked down the narrow and steep stairs, I was met with a very familiar smell having been around it at concerts and various houses. I also encountered it while delivering pizzas and was reminded of the various stoners you'd encounter on the job.

Usually, you would see a few different behaviors while delivering a pizza to a stoner. You'd always smell the grass, but how people acted when I came to deliver a pizza was interesting.

- 'See No Evil' houses - These were the houses where there'd be three guys.

Guy #1 was the 'Acting Sober' guy, who would answer the door and act all sober and upstanding. That is, until you handed him a complimentary coupon, to which he'd exclaim, "Whoa!"

Guy #2 was the 'Not Moving, Not Talking' guy, who would just sit there on the couch without seemingly moving a muscle. He wouldn't speak or even make an acknowledgment that a pizza was being delivered. He sat there like not doing so would cause the world would end. Maybe he was paranoid about Guy #3.

Guy #3 was the 'Coughing Fit' guy. There would be no pipes around, but you'd have this guy sitting there and convulsing with raspy coughs as if he'd just inhaled a big lung of smoke in that miraculous way of not having a pipe to do it with.

- The 'Let's All Answer The Door' house. Then there were the houses where every person would get up and answer the door. It was kind of weird. The door would open and there would be every guy in the room at the door. It's as if they were saying, "Don't mind us dudes. We're just ALL answering the door as if nothing's wrong. Later, we'll all be going to the bathroom together."

So back to my story...

I started walking downstairs when suddenly I found myself sliding down the stairs on my back. One of the steps near the bottom was so loose that when I stepped on it, it tipped forward and sent me sprawling. I imagined it must be a nifty way to break your enemy's neck.

"Whoa!" Seller said. "Watch your step!"

Too late...

"I keep forgetting to tell people about that step!"

I wonder why...

So the basement consisted of a piece-of-shit couch that faced a computer desk with a Monitor with an Xbox 360 on it. Seller showed me the Guitar Hero World Tour game and all the instruments. He popped in the game to show me that it worked. I sat behind the drums while his friend opted to play the guitar. Unfortunately, his friend was freshly high so when it came time to select the options on the game, it took about 10 times longer than it should have.

In the game, you hit the green button to signify that you are playing the song. If you want to sit out, you don't hit anything.

I hit the green drum pad to lock in the Drum set controller. We waited.

"Hit the green button, Dude," Seller said.

The previous screen appeared. The friend hit the red button instead of the green button, which was the 'Back' button.

"Dude! What did you hit?" Seller asked.

"I... don't... know..." the friend drawled.

I hit the green button again to lock in my controller. We waited again.

"Hit the green button, Dude," Seller said.

Still nothing.

"Oh, I think I just hit the blue button, Bro. Sorry."

Seller walked over to the friend and hit the green button for him.

After a few more times of this because his friend kept hitting random buttons, we were finally playing a song.

I started doing my adequate drumming to the song. I noticed right away that there were no guitars playing. I glanced over at the friend and he was just sitting there, not hitting any buttons.

Oh, so NOW he doesn't want to hit buttons? Just in time for the song to start, which means that you're very soon going to be hitting buttons.

I called it good even though I didn't hear the guitar working like it should, but I wanted to get out of there.

Long story short, I got a cheap video game and the stoner got some money for his next stash (I'm assuming).

Bill is torn between me helping him in his attic or competing in a soup contest

Tomorrow, I'll be helping my brother, Bill, in Lincoln with some work on his attic. Bill is in the middle of a multi-year project that will end with his attic being turned into a master bedroom. This project was started a while ago.

I've helped him on a few occasions during this process to help Bill string wire down from the attic to the floor below so he can have some electricity up there for outlets and stuff.

When he called me this week, we had to haggle over some dates. We had originally settled on Thursday, but Laura and I had a thing to do with Julia, so I had to scrap that. I was free Wednesday, but Bill couldn't do it that day. He suggested next week, but I'll be busy next week.

I asked, "What about Friday?"

"I can't do it Friday."

"Why not?"

"Well, every year my work has a soup cook off and I was going to enter my famous Black Bean Chili in it."

"Let me get this straight," I asked. "You're going to forgo me helping you on your attic so that you can enter soup in a cooking contest?"

"Yes." he said a little sheepishly.

It took a bit of persuading to get him to change his mind. At one point, I called him to see if he'd made a decision and he said that he was still thinking about it.

"So you're going to give up labor in favor of the adulation from your co-workers?" I asked. "You know, you COULD just take your chili in before it starts. You probably don't have to be there all day, unless you crave comments."

I pictured Bill walking around people rubbing their bellies, licking their lips and patting Bill on the back for a great recipe.

"Wait a minute..." I asked. "What's with this 'famous' recipe? Isn't this the same recipe that girl you knew gave you?"

"Yes, but I've tweaked it a bit and made it my own."

That may be, but I still don't think it's enough of a big deal to shun cheap labor.

'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs' movie reminds me of my Dad...

I forgot to publish this story from months ago...

Last week, Laura, Julia and I went to see 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs' an animated movie loosely based on the children's book of the same title. The movie was also shown in 3D, which we went to and I loved.

The movie centers around a young inventor named Flint Lockwood. He's stuck in the middle of a small town off the coast of the Atlantic Ocean whose only export is sardines, which is a problem because, as Flint puts it, "Sardines are gross."

Bored with the mundane food choices in town and wanting to invent something that actually works the way it was intended, Flint invents a machine that transforms water into food. A freak accident sends it up in the clouds, which causes it to rain hamburgers and various other food items. Eventually, the town starts to use it's raining food occurrences to better their tourism. The greedy mayor, played by Bruce Campbell, keeps asking Flint to up the ante on the types of food. Before long, things get out of hand and the food machine looks like it may end the world with a flood of food unless Flint can stop it.

It's here where I'm reminded of my Dad. Throughout the movie, Flint is trying to earn his Dad's respect. His Dad, Tim, played by James Caan, runs a bait shop and wants to have no part with Flint's crazy inventions.

In a small spoiler alert, Flint is trying to take out the food machine, but the computer program he's trying to use to destroy it gets wiped out, so he calls up his Dad to get a back up of the program and email it. This is simple enough for a novice, but Tim has never used a computer before.

Flint tells him to move the mouse to the top of the screen and click on a certain button. Tim moves the mouse, not on the desktop, but up on the screen itself. It's a very funny scene.

Where is reminds me of my Dad is that my Dad had never used a computer before until he was 61 or 62. His employer had been bought out and were trying to upgrade everyone's workspace and ways of doing things. This involved getting everyone trained on how to use the new computer software. Learning how to use a new software program is not exactly easy for a novice, but for a total beginner, it's probably damn near impossible.

Up until that point, my Dad, who bid on construction projects as part of his job, used good old fashion desktop calculators to get his figures that he needed. Apparently, that wasn't good enough for the new employers who wanted computer records of some sort. I guess my Dad's notes and calculator receipts weren't good enough for some reason.

Of course, I'm kidding. It's not unreasonable to have an employer expect that of their employees, but I think it was a bit much to ask my Dad.

I would have given anything to be in that classroom while my Dad was taking computer training.

Think about it. He had never had to turn one on. He had never touched a mouse before. He probably didn't know which button was the primary one. He probably didn't know how to open programs, find files, print documents, save files, delete files and various other computer activities that we all take for granted.

I remember asking him how it was going.

He had grumbled that it was useless, but that he was giving it a shot. He, of course, was confused and lost. He told me that one young guy next to him showed him a couple of shortcuts that the teacher hadn't shown him.

My Dad asked, "Why doesn't he teach it if it saves time?"

I'm not sure if my Dad understood that there are move than one ways to do things on a computer.

So to end this story, my Dad ended up retiring a few years later. I think I recall that he never did use the computer. He continued to use his calculator.

"What are they going to do? Fire me?" he asked me.

Smart Phone with a projector on it

Laura and I saw a commercial tonight for a new LG phone. A guy walks into the break room and casually asks, "Hey, have you guys seen the new Avatar trailer?" Then he proceeds to whip out his phone and projects it on the wall with his phone that has a projector on it.

Laura asked, "Who in the hell would need a projector on their smart phone?"

I replied, "Someone that's trying to show off."

Reading Harry Potter books to Julia...

I've been reading the Harry Potter books to Julia. She seems to really enjoy them. It took us over 6 months to get through the first one, mainly because I put it down and forgot to read it to her for months. We finally got around to finishing it a week or so ago. We then rented the movie, which she loved.

So I'm in the middle of the second book, The Chamber of Secrets and she keeps asking this every time I read and the character, Wood, says something.

Julia: "Who's Wood?"

Me: "He's the captain of the Griffindor Quidditch team. You ask me that every time he's mentioned."

To be fair, by the end of the series, there are over 100 characters to follow. I try to liven it up by using voices for different characters when I can. Julia says that she really likes that.