Not-so-frequently asked questions...

Q: Was this how you intended your blog to be?

A: Somewhat. I had originally thought that I would be writing some cutting edge humor pieces seeing as I love cutting edge humor like Mr. Show, Family Guy, David Cross, etc. Unfortunately, I don't have the spine to back it up and I have a lot of shame. I'd love to be all crass and controversial, but I'm not that crass and controversial in real life, so I guess my persona online is the same. And another thing, many people at my old job and now my new job know about my blog. I told a few people, who then told other people. So now I'm censoring myself from being crass because I love my job (and the money that goes with it) and don't want to lose it. Bill once complained that he would publish something on my blog, but that it probably wasn't the right audience since he was going to do a write up on all of the porn junk emails he gets. He's probably right on that one.


Q: Why don't you post more?

A: I'm a huge slacker and it takes me to get a hair up my ass to do anything that no one is paying me for. If I was getting money for this, I'd be updating this all day long. Also, I commute a lot and time is precious for me. I hope to write more once I move up to Omaha. Oh and getting a newer and faster computer would be nice, too.


Q: Would you like comments?

A: Even if you tell me that I suck, please comment on my stuff. I want feedback, but mostly positive feedback if that's possible. Actually, I have really sensitive feelings so a negative comment will most likely ruin my day.


Q: Are all of these stories true?

A: Unless I mention it specifically, absolutely.


Q: Is Bill really that much of a hot-headed bastard?

A: It's probably a combination of him being a hot head and me egging him on. I can be a hot head, too.


Q: What does your wife think of this blog?

A: She doesn't. I guilted her into reading it once. She said it was kind of amusing, but felt that I took too long to get to a punchline. Keep in mind, she doesn't think I'm funny and equates being married to me living with a 14-year-old as I'm constantly slinging double entendres her way and cracking jokes. She mainly tunes it out...


Q: Is there anything that you won't write about?

A: I haven't even broached the subject of my in-laws. I don't know why. For one thing, they have no idea that I have a blog. For another thing, my wife never reads this blog, so how would she know?

I'm just afraid that she'll kill me if I do. That's the main reason.


Q: Did you read my story yet?

A: No, Bill. I haven't. Working on it right now.

Created a new link section...

Since they seem to be a lot of people's favorites, say someone named 'Bill', I've added a section linking almost every story about Bill. To my surprise, I don't have as many as I'd like. However, I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it considering that I've only had this blog online for about 8 months (but not a full 8 months). Besides, a lot of the conversations that I have with Bill usually go this way:

"Did you see (some show?)"

If Yes:

"Remember the part when (something funny happened)?

If Yes, this is followed up by an anecdote from the show, which usually involves a couple of memorized lines followed by one of us laughing.

I really love this commercial...

I really love this commercial that I saw on Fox News the other day. I've only seen it once and I only saw it with the sound down (we mute the TV while Julia watches her little TV), but I died laughing when I saw it.

The scene is outdoors. You see a hot 30-ish blond woman sitting with a much older gentleman that is obviously in his late 50s or early 60s. They're sitting outside at a wooden table with green, lush trees in the background. They're smiling and drinking mixed drinks and appear to be having a nice conversation. At this point, the words "VIAGRA" appear as part of the text onscreen.

I do a double take and pay more attention.

The man suddenly starts blink rapidly and rubs his eyes.

The screen shifts to a blurry image of the hot woman sitting with the old guy.

She grabs his arm and I'm assuming mutters something like "What's wrong?"

Text on the screen are for the services of a lawyer/law firm for an upcoming class action suit about Viagra causing men to lose their vision.

I'm dying of laughter at this point. How classic is that? They're obviously going after their chief demographic, horny, old men that has obviously married a trophy wife, but need the Viagra for help in that area. Either that or they're assuming that this could only be the only reason men use Viagra, which can't be true. Still I find it funny they jumped to that conclusion...

I'm a smart ass today...

Today, I've been in smart ass overdrive. I don't know why. I just can't help myself.

I was telling a co-worker about the Hurrican Katrina damage in Louisiana. You see, she's been a little pre-occupied with moving, so she hasn't had cable tv until now. Also, she doesn't read newspapers, so she's been in a little bit of a news limbo.

I got to the part about dead bodies everywhere that are floating in the streets.

Her question: "How did they die?"

My response: "I'm guessing they drowned."

To be fair, I did mention that some died from buildings collapsing, disease and other causes.

Later, I'm getting boxes for my move to Omaha coming up at the end of this month. I'm carry the boxes out to our commuter bus. A guy helps me put them under the bus in one of the storage hatches.

He sees me coming and says, "Someone's moving!"

I get closer and set the boxes down.

He asks, "Are you moving?"

I say, "No. I'm just adding to my collection of office supply boxes."

And Bill calls me cheap...?

I'm moving down the road from Lincoln to Omaha to be closer to my job, which is a good thing now since gas prices are rising to insane levels. My brother, Bill, commented to me that he'd like for us to go to a Nebraska football game this year as a kind of twin-brother bonding thing "since you're moving!" he exclaimed as if he was actually crying, but wasn't.

I said sure, but that Dad hadn't mentioned anything about getting tickets from his brother this year so I wasn't sure if we'd be able to go to any games.

Yesterday, I see a thread on a local Husker football message board that informs me that there are still some tickets available for purchase for the NU/Pitt game coming up in three weeks.

I call up Bill and tell him so.

His response, "Well, I don't want to pay for it!"

And he calls me cheap. He'll try to tell you that it's because his wife is starting a new job and things are tight, but admit it, Bill. You've got a little of the cheap in you. We are twins after all...

See the original Bill calling me cheap story here...

We have reached a few milestones with Julia...

My daugher, Julia, is 4-years-old. Literally, for years I've tried off and on to teach her how to use a mouse for the kids computer learning games we have. Up to this point, it's been fruitless. A few nights ago, she declared that she wanted to play the I Spy Jr. computer game that we have. I pop it in and I'm tired, so I suggest that she does all the clicking. I guide her hand over the areas and show her went to click.

Like a fish takes to water, she started to slowly moving the mouse and clicking the images in the right way. Now she's off and running and managed to not only finish one of the mini games, but to also start several new mini games within the program. It then that I was happy and sad. Happy that she had a achieved the independence, but also sad that she doesn't need my help as much.

I'm already starting to embarrass her, too.

I picked her up from daycare the other day and ask, "What did you do today?" while we're walking through the center and towards the door to leave. Normally, I wait to ask her when we get in the car.

She says quietly, "Stop talking."

I thought I didn't hear her right, so I ask again, "What did you do today?"

Julia responds with, "I need you to stop talking now."

"What?" I ask increduously.

"Stop talking!" Julia exclaims.

It was only until we were driving away in the car that she told me what she did that day.

Thinking it might have been a fluke, I ask her again the next day, "What did you do today?"

She again responds with, "Stop talking!"

"Why can't I speak to you," I ask.

"I need you to stop talking to me!" Julia exclaims.

I don't know if it's a class thing or if she's seen her friends not talking to their parents when they get picked up because it's not something I've seen in any of her movies that she watches.

It's interesting to see her get an independent streak, but it kind of stings when your daughter tells you to stop talking to her.

That doesn't come at a price, though. We're walking to the car and she says yesterday, "I want some Newtons (Fig Newtons)."

I say, "Why should I give you Newtons? You won't talk to me."

She hasn't gotten the correlation between me controlling her food and snack intack and her being nice to me, but we've got years to work on that (heh heh).

Remind me not to sell a house to Mary...

My friend at work, let's call her Mary, is buying a house from these people. I don't know them, but the more I hear about the house, the more I'm feeling sorry for them.

Mary had been renting a house because they're old house in a small town far away from this job had sold a lot sooner than expected. They had moved closer to Omaha and were renting a house while waiting for their old house to sell. When they had bought the old house, it had taken four years. This time, it only took four months for them to sell it, which is very unusual for a small town market.

So Mary and her husband ended up offering on a house close to Omaha. All seemed to be going well when the offer was accepted. That's until the house inspection was done. Radon was detected in the basement. For those of you that don't know, Radon is a colorless, oderless gas that has been linked to giving people lung cancer.

Mary and her husband demanded that a Radon venting system should be installed in the house. That costs over 1000 dollars. Now I'm in the process of selling my house and my liability for fixing stuff on this house is only 1000 dollars. Apparently, the people they're buying for have no limit because they not only have installed the Radon venting system, but they've also made various other repairs to the house to the total of over 2000 dollars.

I swear once a week, Mary comes over to me and says, "Wait 'til you hear what's happening with the house now?"

I sigh and say "What now?"

She'll tell me the new thing and I'll hold my hands to my temples because I'm not feeling sorry for Mary, I'm feeling sorry for those poor people that they're having to fix more and more things. One of them was a load-bearing pole that was taken out of the house for some reason and now has to be put back in. And there might have been some bug spraying, but I'm not sure about that.

The other day, she comes over and says, "Wait 'til yo hear what's happening with the house now?"

I say, "What now?!" again because I'm already cringing at this point.

"It rained really hard the other day before the last inspection and the house inspector detected two roof leaks!"

"Oh no. What's going to happen now?" I groan. I can alreay guess what's going to happen next. Those people are undoubtedly in for it.

She says, "Well, they're going to have to fix it."

"Oh! Those poor people! I can only imagine this happening to us." I'm picturing my wife going "What now?!" and crying everytime a new repair comes up.

"I know, but it still needs to be fixed. They've already tried fixing it, but I guess they just put tar over the spots. I'm like 'That's not going to cut it.' I want a contractor to come and fix it."

I realize that it has to be done, but somewhere along the line, this couple that's selling the house got screwed. They went with the wrong realtor that isn't protecting them or they didn't pick a home warranty like we did or the weather was bad or someone like Mary bought their house (just kidding).