Grandma almost gets us the cooties...

Grandma Jordan wasn't exactly a character. She was probably pretty normal, but to a kid, she was a character.

When I was younger, I just assumed that Grandma Jordan was 100 years old. That's how old I thought old people were. 100 years old seemed very old compared to single digits. They were old, so I assumed that they must have been 100 years old. Made sense, right?

When I was a kid at home, Grandma came to visit us from time to time. Sometimes, she watched us while my parents were away. Each time she came to visit, I was always struck by one thing, how Grandma Jordan answered the telephone.

The phone would ring. Grandma Jordan would answer it like she was singing an opening opera note, "Helllloooooo!" she would sing. It was never a question with grandma. I guess she was just happy to talk to whomever was on the phone.

Grandma watched us kids while my Mom and Dad were away one time when I was just 2 or 3. Back then, Bill and I loved the song "Winnie the Pooh." You know the song, "Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Cuddly little cubby all stuffed with fluff, etc..." We'd sit there mesmerized listening to the song over and over. We play it on our tape recorder, rewind it and play it again. This would repeat over and over. Finally, Grandma took the tape player away and hid it.

Mom came home from where ever she was and noticed that the tape player wasn't out. She asked where it was and Grandma pointed up high, "It's up there! Drove me nuts that song!"

From time to time, Grandma Jordan would watch us kids while my Mom and Dad went out of town for one of my Dad's conventions or to visit friends in another state. Generally, we didn't go, which I can understand now that I have a kid. I can't imagine it would be very relaxing to go on vacation with 5 kids in tow. If our vacation to Worlds of Fun was any example, not very fun at all. During that trip, it seemed that our Dad was centered in front of the video arcade so that Bill and I couldn't go and spend money there. The one time we went tried to go in, he was there to yell at us for trying.

Having Grandma Jordan was not the coolest person to have watch us kids. For one thing, we had HBO, which Grandma did not have, so she was not used to seeing unedited movies on the TV. For another thing, she wasn't used to seeing young kids watching movies they'd probably get away with watching while our parents were home. She'd sit with us while a movie was on and usually after the first curse word was flung or someone got blown away on screen, the standard question would roll out, "Are you sure you're supposed to be watching this?" Other times, it was a statement/demand, "I'm not so sure you should be watching this." No matter how many times we'd assure her that we were allowed to watch stuff like the Omen or Halloween, she didn't buy it.

Occassionally, she'd get one over on us kids. She once served us cow's tongue from our freezer, which was one of the few cuts left over from our side of beef. I tasted it and it tasted kind of livery, but she assured us it was roast beef. It wasn't and it was only after my parents got back that the horrifying news came out when my Mom tried to serve another one. "Your Grandma Jordan served this to you the last time she was here and she said you kids ate it up," my Mom assured us shocked kids.

When I was in the 3rd grade, Grandma Jordan was again watching us. This is probably the memory of her that stands for me...


Grandma had just gotten off the phone.

"Boys! I've got some great news! You've been invited to a birthday party this Saturday!"

"Cool!" we both said. "Whose birthday is it?"

She stopped suddenly and put her hand to her head.

"You know," she paused. "I don't quite remember. Uhh... Oooo... I had it on the tip of my tongue. "

We stood there is disbelief. Here we were, being invited to a party and she can't even remember the name. Parties meant cake, ice cream and fun and we were dangerously close to losing out on that fun.

"I think the name starts with a K and ends with a C," she finally said. "I know it! Tell me some of your friends names and I'm sure I'll remember it."

We thought and thought. We didn't really know that many kids with names that started with K.

"Kevin?"

"No, that's not it."

"Well, the only kid I can think of with that name is Kim C," I said.

"Kim C!" she exclaimed. "That's it! Oh thank goodness!"

We didn't think it was that great. Kim, after all, was a girl and we hadn't hung out with a girl in a while. Girls were creatures that you hung out with before you get to kindergarten and they highlight your differences in school. That and the peer pressure of staying away from girls coupled with my fear of talking to them made this a huge dilemma. Go and be humiliated if anyone ever found out or not go and lose out on some choice birthday treats. Of course, we opted to go through some prodding from Grandma.

"I don't want to go to a girl's party," one of us protested.

"Oh, come now! It'll be fun" Grandma Jordan assured us.

"We don't even know what to get a girl!" we protested.

Grandma would hear none of it. She took us to Kaybee Toys in the mall and helped us with our selection. Nothing would have been good enough for a girl, but Grandma insisted that we buy something. In the end, she "helped" us pick out a Raggedy Ann and Andy Colorforms set (the magnetic playsets that you could create outfits and scenes on a magnetic page).

Leading up to the party, Bill and I were filled with a huge sense of dread. We didn't really know Kim that well and we couldn't imagine why she would invite us to her party. That's what was the confusing part about the whole thing. Did we make a mistake and give her the wrong impression that one of us liked her? We wracked our brains to try to come up with something besides the usual working in groups with girls as we did everyday for art and math, but we couldn't think of anything. I didn't even want to think of anything! It was all too humiliating.

Another thing confused us. Were we the only boys that were invited to this thing? If anyone else had been invited, it was being kept a very tight secret. After all, who would dare ask another boy if they'd been invited to the party, too? No one.

The day of the party came. There was no turning back. We had bought our present so we were backed into going to this party.

We skulked to the car and took the short trip to Kim's house, which we gotten the address from the student directory. Grandma Jordan pulled up to the house and noticed that there seemed to be a general lack of activity for a place having a birthday party. Grandma walked to the door and rang the bell. She came back with some rather bad news, but good news for us! There was no party! It wasn't Kim's birthday after all. We had dodged a bullet that certainly would have damaged our already fragile reputations at grade school.

Now we were left with a gift to return and an even bigger mystery. Whose birthday are we missing?

We get home and the phone rings. It's the mother of the birthday kid and she was wondering if Bill and I were still coming to a party at Skate Island for our friend, Chris.

Grandma sets the phone down laughing musically.

"Chris K!" she hummed. "Ooooohoooohoooo! My goodness! I knew it was something with those initials!"

Bill and I were furious and relieved at the same time. We almost missed a skate party! We almost ended up in a girl's house to give her a birthday gift! It was way too much stress for a shy kid in the third grade to handle, but we managed to live through it.

We set off immediately for Skate Island. While we were still pretty bummed because we missed out on all of the fun of trying to buy a gift for our friend Chris, we did make it on time to the skate party. Chris got 3 dollars from my Grandma for his last-minute gift and he seemed pretty psyched about it so it all ended well.

Still, it's the one enduring memory that I have of Grandma Jordan. She always had a bright outlook on any situation.