I guess a funeral makes everyone crabby all the way around...

My Dad called me last night to inform me that my Grandma Jordan had died. This was sad news, but not so sad because she was in a nursing home and was rather old (94 or 95. I always forget). I mean, we have to go sometime. It shouldn't be sad when it's clearly your time to go and you're ready. Grandma has been ready for a while. That much I know.

So I get the call from Dad.

"This is your Dad. I'm just calling to tell you that your Grandma Jordan died."

"Oh, she did?" I asked. "When?"

"Tonight," Dad said.

"Like just now?" I asked.

Dad started to get a little ansy because he really doesn't like a lot of questions.

"Yes! Just now!" Dad replied.

"Well, how did it happen?"

"Your mother got a phone call from the home that Grandma had taken a turn for the worse and may have to go to the hospital. So she was just getting ready when they called back three minutes later to tell her that she had died," Dad continued.

"Now when you say, 'had taken a turn for the worse,' what exactly does that mean?" I asked. "What was wrong with her?"

Dad replied in the usual Dad way, "I don't know! Ask your Mother! She knows that stuff!"

"OK. I will. Sorry."

"That's OK.

The funeral is on Monday and I'm trying to get some details. I call my twin brother, Bill, on his cell phone, who was on his way to Omaha for a video shoot. Bill informs me that the funeral is on Monday and in Sutherland, Iowa, but that he wasn't going to go because he's going to be in California visiting his wife's family on a preplanned trip.

"That's too bad. I'll be sure to tape it for you," I said with a laugh because it was a joke. After all, one doesn't video tape family funerals to watch over and over again. Who would watch it? Oh look, there's Mom balling her eyes out. Remember that? Remember when Uncle Bob made that inappropriate joke and hugged the casket? It's not a good idea.

Bill yells, "What the hell did you say?"

"I'm just joking," I say.

"NO!" Bill yells some more. "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"

"I said, 'I'll video tape it for you.' You know. Because who video tapes a funeral? Is that even done?"

"Oh." He calmed down and I could hear his co-workers laughing in the background.

"Why? What did you think I said?"

"I thought that you said, 'Oh, Can't even make Grandma's funeral?'"

...which totally sounds like what I actually said doesn't it?

"No, I didn't."

"I know! Sorry."

People are generally more sensitive around a funeral anyway. Like the time that Bill and I were late for our Uncle John's funeral. John was my Dad's brother. He died suddenly one week. He wasn't very much older than my Dad at the time, so I'm sure it hit him hard.

The funeral was way up north in a small town in Nebraska that I'd never heard of before and had never been to. Well, Bill and I decided to drive up that morning to get to the funeral. We estimated how much time that we'd need and started off. We should have checked the weather report because it had snowed more in the north and going was slow. We got stuck behind several snow plows. It was obvious that we were not going to make it on time. We sped up and passed a cop while going 85. The cop going the other way kind of gave up a waving finger and we slowed down. We didn't get pulled over, but it was obvious that we weren't going to make it on time.

I remember one of us saying, "Oh crap! We're going to be late!"

"I know! Well, maybe we can sneak in the back? Maybe they won't notice that we're late."

So we show up about 12 minutes late for the start of the funeral. We walked up to the church. There's a guy outside and he asks, "Are you Bill and Bob?"

We apprehensively say, "That's us."

The guy says, "Your Mom thought the roads must have slowed you down. We've saved some seats for you. Follow me."

We follow him and he enters a side door! To our shock, horror, shame and embarrassment, he takes up through the entrance that just so happens to be in front of all the church pews. To make matters worse. We get a seat right in front of the casket which faces the rest of the church crowd! We both slink over to our seats and just sink into them. I look over at my parents who look like they were just going to kill us with their stares. I felt like such an asshole. I really did. Not my proudest moment at a funeral by a long shot. Sorry Uncle John.