Dad gets froze out...

It hasn't always been easy for my Dad. He's had to live an a drafty room. A room in which closing the window was not an option. If he tried to shut the window, the window just opened wider. A room in which he huddled in his bed in vain for warmth. He tried in vain to rectify the situation, but the circumstances are beyond his control. Complaining about it never helped and probably made the situation worse. He was stuck in the drafty room with no way out.

Now I could be referring to my Dad growing up on a farm in Cedar Rapids, but I'm actually referring to my Dad's living situation right now. You see, my Mom always feels hot. She'll try to fall asleep in their bedroom, but will roast unless she opens up the window. Thankfully, she's right next to the window, but the chill is enough to freeze my Dad out.

I've heard them argue about this subject off and on for as long as I can remember.

Usually the scenario involves this: Dad is sitting at his spot at the kitchen table blowing his nose from a cold when Mom walks by.

"Cold any better?" Mom asks.

"No!" Dad exclaims. "If you hadn't had that window open it might get better!"

"Oh Richard! Me having the window open is NOT making your cold worse!"

"Well, it sure as hell isn't getting any better!"

"Oh!"

"I swear you're trying to kill me!"

And then Mom walks away...

or something to that extent... I apologize if that isn't totally accurate. I'm sure there were a few god damns thrown in there for good measure.(Ha Ha)

My Dad has always maintained that my Mom has been slowly trying to kill him by leaving the window open on even the coldest nights and freezing him to death. I can relate since I find myself in a very similar situation. My wife, Laura, loves it cold and is always running a fan even in the dead of winter. There's many a night when I'm practically shivering while getting ready for bed and Laura will ask me to hit the ceiling fan.

I ask her, "You're hot!?"

"Yes," Laura stammers. "I'm dying!"

"I'm freezing!" I exclaim.

I just can't understand how God intended men and women to coexist when their temperature clocks are so out of wack.

The other day Laura, Julia and I were home visiting my parents when I had to ask about the window situation.

"Dad, does Mom still keep the window open every night?" I asked innocently.

"Oh, yes! She sure does!" Dad laughed.

"Don't you get cold?" I asked.

"Oh, sure." Dad replied. "I have to use an electric blanket on my side of the bed."

I laugh.

"We have a similar arrangement at our house. Laura likes it cold so she insists on no covers, so I have a thermal stadium blanket so I don't freeze."

Laura cuts in, "You don't freeze and it's not cold!"

"Yes it is!"

"You wake up sweating."

"I'd rather sweat than shiver," I reply.

By this time, Mom walks up and sits down at the kitchen table.

"You still keep the window open, don't you Mom?" My Dad asked my mother.

"Yes, but you know that I get hot."

"Uh huh." Dad replied.

"Besides, I want some fresh air when I sleep."

"What if I don't want fresh air," Dad asked.

"Well, I do want fresh air."

"Hey!" Dad exclaimed. "If I wanted fresh air, I'd go sit in the garage!"

Mom kind of rolls her eyes and sighs.

"So don't be surprised if some morning that you wake up and find me out in the garage getting some fresh air!" Dad finishes.

Mom starts to say, "I..." then pauses and asks, "Who brought up this topic?"

Dad points at me as I'm saying, "I did."

Mom says, "Then I'm done talking about this" and smirks at me.

My job is done here.