The strangest of all holidays...

Imagine you don't live in this country. You've heard of some strange holidays where you live, but you never much gave it any thought. Usually, they're rooted around parades, heavy drinking, gift giving, giving thanks, bunnies or atonement (if you celebrate Yom Kimpor).

Now imagine that you're sitting at home one night in the fall and the doorbell rings. Kids dressed in crazy costumes come in droves demanding candy. Or if they just stop at "Trick or treat!", you're going to stand there dumbfounded until the kids walk away disappointed, or you figure out the gist of the holiday and scrounge up some treats.

A co-worker of mine, who is from Indonesia, actually asked me about Halloween right as I was thinking about writing this piece.

He asked, "Bob. About Halloween. I think I know the 'treat' part, but what is the 'trick' part about? When the kids come by, are they going to be performing things for us?"

I explained to him that I can understand his confusion and I attempted to explain the holiday to him, but even I'm a little confused about it. I don't know how Halloween evolved from a possible Pagan holiday (I think I heard that) to the holiday that it is now.

I told my friend, "No, they're not going to be doing tricks. Even though, they're saying 'Trick or Treat', they might as well be saying 'Give me some candy!'"

I'm not going to dig up the history of Halloween, but it is the strangest of holidays. Think about it. For 364 days of the year, we tell our kids several things.

• Don't talk to strangers.
• Don't knock on strangers' doors.
• Don't take candy from strangers.
• Don't eat candy in excess.
• Be home before dark.
  

However, on one day, we throw all of those rules out the table and let our kids dress up in costumes, venture into neighborhoods they've never been to, knock on total strangers doors, take candy from those strangers and let them keep it until it's gone. Plus, we let them venture after dark into strange people's homes. Can someone explain the logic to me?

How is one supposed to spot the creepy child molester from the neighbor that has decided to dress up as some serial killer from history? Or is that a deterant for child molesters? If everyone is giving treats on Halloween, what are they going to do? Kind of hard to ask for the kids to come in and wait for candy when everyone else on the block is giving it away for free with no waiting. Maybe that's the beauty of Halloween. It's the one day when your kids are safe from strangers with criminal records... but not always. I don't want to be accused of making light of the situation.

But I digress...

Halloween was always an enjoyable holiday for me. I looked forward to it mainly from the standpoint that it was free candy that you could stockpile. My brother Bill and I used to go out until we filled up our bags, came back home to unload a huge pile in our rooms and then leave again for more candy until our feet got tired. Our parents grumbled a bit at all of our candy hording, but they didn't do much to stop it. It's no wonder that we didn't grow up obese. Oh wait, we did grow up a little chubby, but that's neither here nor there.

Our neighborhood was pretty good with the candy giving. For the most part, you got the mainstream candy assortment, but occassionally, you got the worst ones:

• Popcorn balls - I know people labor over these, but I really don't enjoy them and I don't think many kids do either. Rice Krispy treats are much better to receive.
• Rolled up Pennies - Just because you need to clear out your piggy bank doesn't mean you should give them out to kids.
  
• Apples - We're just going to throw them away or throw them at your house.
• Peanut Butter taffy - Possibly the nastiest tasting candy there is. It's like peanut butter, but more prolonged and less satisfying.
  

If anything was disappointing on Halloween, it was my lack of a good costume. I can remember seeing kids dressing up in full costume as their favorite characters from Star Wars, while I was stuck with the same rubber mask two years in a row. There were just two things that my family lacked: funds and imagination. Being a family of 7, it was generally deemed that spending a lot of money on Halloween was a really bad idea. As a result, my costumes tended to be, how should I put this? Lame...

Now before you call me up and complain, Mom. Let me explain myself. I think it I had a better design imagination, I could have concocted some good costumes. Unfortunately, I don't. I can write a decent story, but I couldn't design a decent costume to save my life.

One year, when we were trick or treating, we saw one of my older brother's friends with the coolest costume. He was dressed a giant TV that he had made out of a big cardboard box. His head was through the top and his arms came out the sides. On the front were the knobs and picture drawn with a magic marker. I was so impressed that I announced that next year, I wanted to be a TV. That next year rolled around and we didn't have a large cardboard box so we made a TV out of a smaller box that went on my head. The screen was plastic wrap and we had aluminum foil attenaes out of the top. It was uncomfortable and there was nothing holding it to the top of my head, so it flopped all over the place when I walked.

Another year, I saw a makeup kit with cool designs, so that's what I got for a costume. I drew up what I thought was a scary design of a creature with horns and fangs. It was only after I actually put the makeup on that I realized that I looked more like a really campy member of kiss with purple and green makeup all over my face. No matter, I went trick-or-treating anyway. On the bright side, my makeup did get noticed because people couldn't figure out what I was trying to be. I got a lot of "Who are you supposed to be?" Even I didn't know. I would just reply, "I'm a monster!"

I've been a little all over the place on this one, but let me end by telling a story of the time I was the most scared trick or treating. I usually didn't get scared at Halloween, but this one caught me off guard.

I don't remember how old I was, but it was a year that my brother Bill was sick, so my older brother Joe escorted me around trick or treating.

We came to this normal looking house and out came a really grumpy old man.

He stared at me and asked sternly, "Well... What do you want!?"

I was petrified. I didn't know how to react. I was scared this guy was going to scream at me for wasting his time.

I kind of stuttered, "Uhh.... Uhhh...."

Behind me, Joe is yelling "Bob! Say 'Trick or Treat'!"

"Uhhh..."

"Say 'Trick or Treat'!"

"Uhhh...."

"Bob!"

I'm trying not to look at the guy and I say it almost like a question, "Trick or treat?"

He smiles and asks, "Well why didn't you say so!"

He reaches for a bowl and hands me... a popcorn ball.