You can learn a lot about life from CSI...

by Bob and Bill

I'm giving Bill a little credit since he thought up this topic and a few of the lessons.

• If someone has committed a crime, chances are good they had their apartment or car detailed prior to the crime.
• If you're into something freaky (a la dressing up as an animal or sleeping with fat chicks), you're going to die.
• If you cheat on your spouse/lover, chances are pretty good that you're going to die.
• If you try to help someone out by being nice, chances are pretty good that you're going to die.
• If you are mean to someone, chances are pretty good that you're going to die.
• If you have a business partner, look out because he/she is probably going to kill you!
• Don't have Sara on your case if you're a suspect in case in which the victim is a woman, she'll almost always be wrong, but that won't stop her from trying to prove you did it.
• Your CSI supervisor will usually remind you to look for the evidence.
• If you're in a semi-competitive sport and you live for the glory and not the sport, someone will kill you because you were about the glory, not the sport.
• If you're in a semi-competitive sport and you're good, someone will kill you because you were a threat to win it.
• It's perfectly acceptable to use giant LCD wall computer monitor screens in which to display suspect breakdowns when a magnetic map on a wall could do the job just as easy and probably faster.
• While you use your giant LCD monitors, you can be sure that someone will complain about a piece of equipment that they're using that is on loan, but CSI won't buy it because it's too expensive.
• Apparently, it's possible take a fuzzy, grainy surveilance video and then enlarge certain sections with not only no loss of clarity, but a huge increase of clarity!
• CSI has super computers in which surveilance video can be enlarged, reversed, twisted, manipulated and rendered with no lag time.
• It's easy to get a court order to search someone's house on the flimsiest of evidence, but if you were a teenager raped during a home invasion, good luck trying to get that DNA evidence from a guy tied to the crime with a record. That's against his rights.
• CSI will usually spend their time trying to prove that the most obvious guy pulled a crime when it almost always someone that I've pegged from the minute I met them. Just ask me first, guys.
• Semen seems to be more common than blood.
• Surgery on burn victims requires none of the surgeons to wear masks or face shields.
• Every family member that's a suspect will act disgusted that they have to be ruled out as suspect.
• Any activitiy or hobby you enjoy (like word games or robot wars) will be critiqued and demonized by the CSI crew no matter how harmless it is.
• Don't ever make fun of a family member with an embarrasing condition like bed wetting, they'll kill you with no remorse.
• Don't ever get rid of some friends and act like you're too good for them, they'll kill you, especially those that listen to Vertical Horizon!
• If you're black and not a cop and you're not a victim, you'll be cast as an angry gang banger, an angry teen mentor, an angry athlete or an angry rap mogul.
  

And lastly, from CSI - Miami

• You can talk to dead people all day long and no one questions your sanity.